So I haven’t been on here in awhile, and I hate to talk about this with my friends or anyone who knows me. But it’s haunting me pretty hard tonight. My most recent relationship was an abusive relationship. And I didn’t realize I was in one until I was out of it. And still to this very moment I miss him. I just don’t really know what to do now. I’ve always been the type of girl who’s been in long-term relationships that were loving and simple. This last one only lasted 3 months, 4 tops. I’m not the kind of girl who’s like a pathetic clingy air-head either. My relationships have always been partnerships, and they were treated as my equal. This last fuckin guy truly never for one day had any respect for me. He abused me mentally, cheated on me, he’s choked me, slapped me, threw me out on the porch, threw me against a wall, bit me, thrown water on me, ripped my clothing, and I’ve had bruises that lasted for days where I had to selectively choose clothes that would conceal them. He was the absolute worst fucking human I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. But I can not get him out of my god damn head. I only bring this up now because he actually moved to Florida last month and he’s coming back to my town this week. It’s about 4am and I haven’t slept because I’ve been wide awake panicking that I’ll see him somewhere. Part of me wants to see him, wants him to see what he’s missing and hoping he’ll realize how much he loves me, but that’s fucking stupid of me to even say! What is wrong with me?? Why am I stuck with this fascination for him? He’ll sometimes call me saying he thinks about me everyday and he misses me and etc. but I finally just lost it. I just told him to delete my number and that I don’t want anything to do with him. Still, this guy just haunts me. How did I ever let someone get such control over me? I’ve been trying to go out and see friends and think positive, but still these lonely nights just get back to me and I’m left with the memories of the good parts of our relationship. I want that back. I want that person back. Not the abuser, but the guy who I fell for. Am I crazy? Is there anything I can do to save my tormented soul? Or am I just drawn to assholes?


perfection x

(via Your Weekly Disney Style Affirmation: Let It Go | Disney Style)